Bloogers Byline

Pussy Patrol

2005-08-10T15:35:00.000-04:00

dammed if the Pussy Patrol wasnt at my door this marnin. it was some summer student. them bylaw yokels aint all dumb gitten a poor kid ta take all the flack about their kitty law. i told the lad that if he could find any pussys on my property he better share. he left shakin his head.i got on the horn to hiss honor and i called him everythin but a crimean crankhead boy i said you guys are sure gettin desperate for dough when ya gotta haul out a pussy tax next thing ya know yewl be taxin our poop. i mentioned that ta ol Bert and he said they already do that its called a sewage charge. that Bert should run fer office.Jimmie Stoneboat took a hiatus from wimins undies and left with the missus to go to a pow-pow up at the toolin island should be back in a week or so. good time ta call a poker game since he wont be around ta take our shooonya. the Home is agreein with ol Prat seems he found a nice little ol widow lady ta take up his time now i have to bring 3 DimTims when i visitez i dont mind tho he's just as happy as a nun in a gaybar.the pussy cop was back around seems he fergot his flashlight i coulda said somethin but i didnt.
SLFN

been real busy

2005-08-09T16:37:00.000-04:00

Woooooeeeeeeee its been a time or two since i last hit the Byline. Lets see now, had ta help ol Prat move into a home fer the aged.( he went a bit senile) did some door work over at wallyworld till some smartass caught me havin a fatty on me break.Ol Bert Ticle called me a wussy willow fer takin that senior citizens job.that shot a hole in June ,the month that is. In July my haiphonese buddies got busted fer havin a growup in that nice house i found for them. I found em a good lawyer and they should getoff with time served. Garth Pike over at the Suppositor did a hard hitting op/ed on the drug scene in Hoot town. He oughta know too. Was over ta see Doc Stabber cuz I had this rash on my gentiles. He gave me a shot and told me to come and see him if they felloff.Before that tho he told me that our new medical mansion was in trouble financially and moralewise. Seems the dickhead in charge dont know his ass from a hole in the ground.Hmmmm maybe i should mention it ta Melt Moore hes our local end-dee-pee-er and sexual bonvivant.mentioning sexual reminds me that Agnes is gonna get charched. didnt break my heart cuz me and the Hogg twins have been practicin samesex ya know like I like the missionary position and the gals say they like the same. Well I better git over ta Home and take Prat a Dim Tims.
SLFN

Polyticlebelinda

2005-05-20T13:31:00.000-04:00

Danged if that ol Melt dint give me the what fer over Belinda. Aw shoot thats polytics Common House style. one thing fer sure shes a lot better lookin than them ugly lookin Liberal bags.no wonder Pall Martoon keeps kissin her. I gotta song I bet ol Pall sings now I'm Lyin Here with Belinda on My Mind. speakin o songs that Jim Bobby has gotta fine one on his blog mind ya he aint no Mick Jagger in the singin department.while i was riled up isays ta Melt howcome them Nduper broads are so ugly they got faces only a mother could love and only with the lights out.ol Melt says he gotta good mind ta report me to Human Rights I said go ahead amigo anything thats got Right in it i like. Anyhoo hes comin over tonight fer some Texass Hold em and general beer pissup.

Any my readers and i dont know how many they are since my counter went ta glory that bin wonderin where i got to otta know that i been holidayin at ma cousins in Cut n Shoot USA.Needed ta get away after Agnes broke ma heart by crossin the street and takin up with that Liberal asshole Porky Bellman. well at least the Hogg twins consoled me mighty fine and mighty often. gotta call from my phongese pals they bought a house outside o town.not gonna have a housewarmin tho its not in their traditions. well i said give me a call if ya need any help with renos i'm pretty good at wirin and plummin.

gotta go have a consolation then git back here fer the poker.
SLFN

Tax an Poly

2005-05-05T22:52:00.000-04:00

well thats it tax season is over till next year.ol Blooger prides himself on payin his taxes he also prides himself on payin very little tax. in fact so little that next year i might jest go on welfare fer a bit or i might jest use some o that info i'm gettin from ol Gomery's rascals ta not pay tax at all.

jest herd the other day that the Hoot Town mausoleum is opin again seems some good feller donated a chunk o change to it. looks like i can donate my grandaddys spokeshave to it. tryin ta talk ol Prat inta donatin the worlds first or second coat n coater that he has to them folks. ol Berts gotta single action boogershooter he might be willin ta pony up.

Melt Moore the local nduper and latin lover is lyin low right now since i a joshed him at Dim Tims the other marnin i tolt him that Jackie Boy Latent and Pall Mall Martoon performed the first same sex marriage in the Common House .while on the subject i see where Tony Cement is crownin himself tory candidate here.a real little napoleon him.anyhoo i guess he aint tired yet o gettin his ass kicked he sure believes in turnin them other cheeks.sheest now we are gonna have a guy who dont know a bulls ass from a barn door runnin against a horses ass thats them rural ridings for ya.guess i'll protest vote fer the Confederated Lesbian Alliance Party thats CLAP fer any dumb boogers that didnt know.
SLFN

Lively lively

2005-04-23T20:35:00.000-04:00

things are gettin lively in the ol Hoot Town wth more folks lookin ta open up more stores and hotels speakin of which we already got some lowrent rendezvous here,ya know the the kind that rent by the hour. anyhoo i see in the Suppositor that the town fathers want ta licence kitty cats now if they do dat the bylawyer says they will need a shed ta keep the cat felons in not ta mention a bunch o boorowcrats ta collect the money etc. its gonna be a big boondogle jest so some damn official can go chasin pussy on town time. I should apply fer the job cuz i got the experience only thing is i dont need da money

.big rumour around that Dead Bird ina Box is gonna open a sit down bistro over by wally world,i jest might go there and order a nice bottle of bingo ta have with a toblerone. might invite the Hogg twins ta come wth me too.which reminds me that last week i was at their house for some S&M sausage & meatballs. ol Ber tolt me that him and the missus use to practice s&m she'd sleep and he'd manipulate. that manipulate thing reminds me thet i read in the Trawna Globe that Tony Cement of the late Mike Harris govment wants ta git nominated up here hell if he does we are gonna have two dumb sonsabitches ta choose from Cementhead and Peckerhead.ol Melt the local ndooper thinks its real comical i tolt him that Layton buddy o his is gonna stick his nose so far up Martin's backside that everytime Martin farts Laytons eyes will git browner

.well i gotta go cut the weeds in the back forty got them haiphongese folks come in fer a camp out and a scout around the town fer a hydrophonic location.maybe i'll sell em my ol stereophonic ta put in the hydrophonic jayzus i'm gettin the mix ups.
SLFN

Bloggysphere an such

2005-04-11T17:03:00.000-04:00

wot with all da hype about de new horspital i clean fergot ta report the demise of Hoot Towns museum . it looks more like a mausoleum settin back there in the tall timbers up on a big hill no wonder its gone titters up.now i'm jest as in favor of culture as the next guy hell i even bin at the tso in Trawna a time or two but that mausoleum was a complete waste o tax bucks wrong place and wrong building. got a letter from that mp here tellin me what good job him and them Liberals are doin with our money all this adscam stuff goin on and he tells me dat now ya know why he's one dumb sonovabitch i got a good mind ta take a load o manure from Prats farm and dump in front of his office.

well with things quiet aroun here other than fixin up the back forty i bin checkin the bloggysphere sure some real strange stuff out there. i found one thats about small dead animals and its run by a spiffy lookin chic a possible 8 course i read my ol pal Jim Bobbys scribin when he aint too busy fixin them squirrels damn he wont take my suggestion fer the problem tho. found another feller by name of lighting bugs butt i kid ya not thats his moniker.he sure writes some funny stuff. i got into a wee spat there with this here candi gal cus she said old people suck she musta caught her folks doin it . then theres this meatriarchy feller who has some good recipes along with some polyticle insights and outsights .

i guess thats about it Agnes should be back from her ladys red hat society convention on Thursday got her a whole bag o moonpies ta celebrate meanwhile i'm gonna have the boys over fer some texas holdem and general beer pissup .

SLFN

Horspital visitez

2005-03-31T20:23:00.000-05:00

well i got the tour of the new horspital and it is real nice.one half will be fer all the sickuns and the other half fer all the ol folks that aint wanted by their kids. Jimmie was impressed by the healing room dast dere fer his first national folks.ol doc says hes stayin on after gettin a gander at the two surgical sweets Prat tried out one of them beds in the longtime care place and said its too small so hes gonna stay on da farm Agnes liked da new gift shop.the Hogg twins couldnt get over the size of the birthing rooms dont get any ideas there you two ol Melt liked the room where they will put contaminated folks he should he will be dere oneday ol Bert wants his frau ta try out the catscan someday just so he knows what goes on in her head AP liked da morgue and the autohopsy room. ol Bloooger just wanted ta get the hell out of there sick people make him nervous.

i was thinkin after readin the Sun why would them mp idiots wanna go traipsin all over eurup vistin whorehouses when they come from da biggest one in Canada which reminds me that i bought a thousant barrels o oil as a hedge that broker feller tolt me.i best be clearin a spot in the back forty ta store em they will make a different lookin hedge fer sure. speakin o money i got a new vehicle a ram pickum up 440 horses and dat aint hayAggie is gonna love the crew cab wooooooeeee
SLFN

Blogspot pissheads

2005-03-29T14:20:00.000-05:00

well smack ma gob i finally got on this fluckin blogger. wot da hell are them ashholes @ blogspot think their doin. thought i was gonna half ta call El Douche ta hack them retards. look ya idiots if ya cant run sumpthin right then can it an let some other bunch try!! pissed off in HootTown

Ticfull

2005-03-14T15:43:00.000-05:00

got home from Aggie's full like a tic. boys o boys that lady can sure cook.well after a full gut and a couple or six bohemians i decided best ta tell Agnes the truth an ya know what she still dont believe me never did could or will understand the female. welll the snow heres meltin away faster than a popcicle on a barbyque so i best get ma snomobeel hung up in the garage soon and get lookin out fer another vehicle maybee one o them Hummers.think i might stop over ta ol Farley Farkuson's auto emporium, da little business on the corner dat deals on the square hooohaaah. i better get ma butt in gear cuz im gonna take the twins ta Rama Lamma Dingdong ta see ol Travis Tritt

.hey that reminds me that i got a invite ta tour the new horspital its gonna be like da wally world openin all over again.i jest got offa da phone with Bert Ticle an he says that Melt Moore ( local nduper and sexual intellectual ) got a column in da Suppositor now hmmmm. ah well the bloogs is where it at and someday them columnists will be deader than a 90 year olds dick.
SLFN

New Bloog

2005-03-12T16:42:00.000-05:00

after ma near death experience in Trawna i decide i needed a new look so i got ol Elmo Doucette the puter geek ta fix me up one, photo an all. now no obscene comments . anyhow ol Elmo (we call him El Douche ) scanned the puter and found a buncha viri, spy stuff and a porn pic or two them pics were not porn jest some shots o the Hogg twins i took at the Grey Cup. he tolt me ma os was crap and i said his ol lady wasnt all that bright either then found out os wasnt short fer old sow.well here i is up and runnin again hope ya like the new look.

went lookin fer Bert Ticle at Dim Tims but he wasnt there so i went over ta wally world ta see how Jimmie was doin in the ladies underware .he tells me things been slack there lately well says i dont fret amigo things will pull up once the torist come back and those disgruntled democrats move here.

got talkin to ol Prat too he was buyin some ammo fer his 410 what fer dat says i gonna go huntin them pigs says he aw Prat them pigs has flown back to Ohio by now that yankee sold ya homin pigs. i think he might have a case o nafta with that feller as much as i hate ta say it he might need ta phone dat dumb sonova bitch in Ottywa. lucky me Agnes is havin me over fer cheese n bacon sanwhichs ,borsh and keylime pie cuz she wants ta here how i lost ma car and got ma nose peerced, better think up a good story.
SLFN

2005-03-12T16:29:00.000-05:00

Blooger

Big Headache

2005-03-12T11:15:00.000-05:00

i wonder what day this is . i stopped at the choke&puke south o town .last thing i remember was meetin up with some folks celebratin the haiphongese new year woke up in a flop house in Trawna 4 days ago no car no money still got ma wallet tho. took me 3 days ta thumb back to Hoot Town.only thing i got ta show for the experience is abunch o skidmarks in ma shorts. gettin too old for this sorta thing.anyway saw a crow or two this marnin and one shithawk so spring is gettin ready ta sprang.ol Gar from the Suppositor fired me fer deriliction o ma column nota problem says i cuz i got a big readership fer ma bloog.jest in case ya think i need a tag day or sumthin i dont i still got a bundle o bucks from ma big lottery win awhile back. gotta go phone Agnes
SLFN

CONfessin

2005-02-25T17:09:00.000-05:00

ol Blooger's gotta make a confessin folks since he started writin here he aint been lookin about ta see what other folks write about in the blog floggin world until a couple o weeks ago .my golly he found some neat stuff and some purely bullshit yep bullshit that would make that dumbsonva bitch we got in Ottywa proud.speakin o neat stuff jest the otherday i stumbled and fumbled across this feller JimBobby well ill tell ya if i had a long lost bro it would be him. anyway ol Blooger says thanks JimBobby fer yer comment and thanks much fer yer kind wards about the Byline on yer blog.

I sure as hell dint know a gal could eat so many cisco like that Agnes every time i turned about she was hollerin gimme more Blooger . hell i ant gonna be in any fit shape ta watch the oscars with the Hogg twins at this rate. Melt Moore ( the local socialist and gangbanger) was goin on about the budget first off a polytician on a budget is like ol Boof Boynton loose in a plonk palace ridiculous.

i dont worry about the taxes slong as da price o white owl cigars dont go any higher. mentionin Melt theres a roomer goin around Hoot Town that him and Gar's missus is havin a three in the manger . well i aint gonna spread that story anymore than i half to. last time i tryed a three way i fell outa bed and hurt ma stereonum ol Doc Stabber called me everyname but a whipperwill and put me in traction fer week then he says ya do that again an i'm gonna put yer dick in traction fer two weeks. well says i how about unconnectin my optic nerve from my asshole cuz its given me a shitty outlook on things . hoooohaaaaaa
SLFN

Cisco Kid

2005-02-21T13:44:00.000-05:00

that bag o cisco worked like a bunch of roses. ol Blooger is off Aggies shit list and right smellin like a petunia. i cant say the same for Jimmies fish shack its floatin around in the water puzzlin the game wardens. that dynomight was jest a tad too much but we got the punt out and netted all them fishys. we just about were done when Billy Running Bear came by and hollered look at them 2 c**ts in that punt wee gave him a fish and a Slinger and hit the bush before the rocks and gardens boys showed up. i caught Bilkers taxi cab back ta town and after a shit shirt and shave i was over ta see Agnes . the rest is history wooooooeeeeee.
SLFN

Who cheep ?

2005-02-18T09:07:00.000-05:00

well i heard from Agnes . she called me a cheep sonovabich . but now things are just peaches and cream after i explained that i'm savin money ta buy her somethin really special ..secret cant tell.Blooger ol lad you still a smoothy hooohaaa. looks like a good day fer the fishin with Jimmie i got a six pack of Slingers from my wine cellar and JS has got the dynomight. Jenny his esquai is gonna fry us up some beaver tail fer breakfast . just had a thought i might be gettin some beaver later this evenin when i brings Aggie a bag o cisco. TGIF
SLFN

Feb 14

2005-02-14T16:53:00.001-05:00

good ol give the gal a card day has come and went and it dint cost me a cent. i had a card from last year so i scratched out the name and sent it to Agnes she hasnt called me yet now thats strange she usually calls at least once a day. wimmen!!! jayzus it was slippy out this a.m. i took a skid down the driveway and into a parked snowbank didnt deploy da airbags but i did see a couple of old bags deployed at their winders.

was talkin to Gar down at the Weekly Suppositor he thinks he needs ta run a special addition on the same sex marriage thing why says i we got no gay folks around Hoot Town he says yep we do except they aint come out . come out where says i the closet says he jayz says i if i was kept in a closet i sure wouldnt be happy about that let alone gay. ya dumb bugger say he . guess i will go ask Melt Moore hes da sexual intellectual around here and also da local ndper. anyway ol Practical tells me he has a couple of geese that have had same sex for years. dang i 'll be glad when i get my new specs . one o the Hogg twins sat on the old pair at the Super Bowl party. dont think i was wearin em at the time. things got kinda blurry tho. Jimmie Stoneboat tolt me he got a raise from the Indian department he can now trap 2 more beavers. hell he says he got all the beaver he can handle . some more mishoonya would have ben real nice. he gave me an invite ta fish thru the ice all i got ta do is bring a six pack of Slingers and a quarter stick of dynomight. looks like it might be a fun friday heee hawww
SLFN

Feller Bogger

2005-02-05T04:44:00.000-05:00

danged if i dint read a fellers blog (Carnie) that talks like i do. maybee he was born here in Hoot Town or possibly thought up here. any way i invited him fer a visit. ol Melt Moore ( local socialist and sexual intellectual) asked fer my opinin on the same sex marriage bill . hell i think they should pay it. Bert said well i'm married and gettin no sex can i bill the government for that? silly booger says i the only sex ya get from the government is at tax time i think its called a prime yearly f***in. talkin about that subject reminds me of tryin ta find peter potters pink pills for pale people in wally world

.Jimmie Stoneboat was a greeter there till yesterday.seems ya can't holler grab a cart mudder fudder . cuz he's the only first national hired he cant be fired so they got him workin in the wimens undies section.

goin ta Docs ta watch the super bowl hes got one of them lsd large screen teevees. i got my money on the Pats and so I'll stand. kinda scared about Doc retirin he says 4 more c sections and thats it . speakin of Doc he tol Practical that he needed a circumcision nothin doin says Prat AP tol me his momma tol him he had one when he was a tad and he didnt walk for 10 months . i couldnt resist and tol ol Prat that foreskins were goin for ten skins on ebay ....hoooo haaa.
SLFN

Wally World

2005-01-27T04:26:00.000-05:00

wally world had the grand opening today every man and his dog and missis was there .i saw people there that i thought had died and one thing for sure wally world aint heaven.Gar Pike from the Suppositor was there interviewin a guy that looked like the manager.ol Practical was buyin a new coat n coater the Hogg twins was checkin out the unmentionable section Agnes was tryin on some boats oops shoes ol Doc Stabber took time from his cuttin and mendin ta look at a big screen tv hell doc says i its still the same old crap only it will look bigger.hate ta admit it but i dint need a thing except 4 AA batteries .ol Sams boys will never git rich off me. next up i suppose will be our new horspital Doc says its one huge palace why they will be able to fix everythin from a growin toenail ta a purple peein pecker.
SLFN

Aggie business

2005-01-18T19:48:00.000-05:00

Agnes phone ta tell me that she is primed ta go to the grand opening of wally world next week. i aint tho i should go over to see Aggie (she hates that name) and prime her pump. maybe after charch on Sunday.danged if ol Melt (the local ndper and bs champ ) didnt ask me if i met my one tun challenge . nah says i in fact i was thinkin o lookin that Mercer jerk up and droppin a tun of greehouse gase right in his cake hole.

wooee it was cold this marnin it was so cold i saw 2 eskimos tryin ta jumpstart a huskie. wot the hell this is Canada our home and frozen land so we just gotta tuffin up. if it warms tomorrow i think i'll take a snownobeel ride over to Prats farm havent been talkin to the ol lad since last week .hees got some odd notions like same sex mariages settin a precedent fer maybe all knds of different marriages like maybe him and Mabel his prize cow could tie the knot and he could claim her has a dependant and help his tax situation hmmm sounds like milkin the system ta me . i think i will stick with the regular stuff and jest keeep Agnes happy and the Hogg twins can keep me happy too. anyhow i will ask him if he is gonna write to that dumb sonova bitch MP we got since hees now the ag minister .typical liberal party appointment the dumb sonova bitch dont know piss from paint or a bulls ass from a barn door.he likes ta call himself a master debater but us folks here dont spell it that way.
SLFN

An update sorta

2005-01-12T19:39:00.000-05:00

Boys o boys it been a busy week or so . Ol Prat got the ball rollin when he sent a big donation of hen fruit for the folks hurt by that sunami . next the Hogg twins had a big bake sale and raised 200 smackers for the world vision . I was proud ta give a hunert bucks to the red cross course i dint tell Bert and Jimmy that it was their money I took off them at last fridays poker game. Melt Moore ( hes the local ndper and sexual intellectual) talked the folks at Dead Bird in aBox ta donate one days proceeds to the unicef. Agnes and the charch ladies shipped off colouring books and crayons and jigsaw puzzles for the little tads over there that lost everything. i think the folks in our little town done themself proud.

was minor crisis at the ol horspital seems a bunch of the old folks there were infested with your rotartillervirus and were some sick . doc Stabber said the whole thing could be fixed by everybody washin their hands after doin their business hell i thought moms taught everybody that.

checked at macs store about buyin some beer ol Deep the guy who owns it says he knows nothing about sellin no beer he aint very deep.. Gar down at the Suppositor tells me wally world is neartly ready to open seems hes plannin ta write an editorial about how they employ a lot of folks at minimum wage and all the money goes ta the US just like Rotten Ronnie does says I or Wendys or Dim Tims or DBD and most other businesses in this burg. he must be sniffin around Melts wife again.............

Knew Year

2004-12-31T16:35:00.000-05:00

hopes all had a good Xmas yours truly did quite nicely thank you. the party was a wailin bash for sure. goin to a newyears eve bash at Berts house its a BYOB ya can translate that anyway ya want . I herd that ol Prat is gettin a haircut just for the party he must be over mournin or moonin over them lost pigs anyways its a good sign cuz he was lower than a worms belly .

just my luck i was too late askin Agnes to go with me ta Berts and now shes goin with Gar Pike from the local rag guess she figgers ta make the socialite column. o well the Hogg twins will be there with their banjos and bangles wooooeeeeee. hisshonour phoned me to make sure i dont miss his New Years Levee well i says to him is that a tax levee and he asks me if i know about sex and travel and hangs up . depending on the size of my head tomorry i might jast make it to that. gotta go have ashower and spray on some of that new colgne Agnes got me its guaranteed ta give a turtle an orgasm so she says i think theres a message there. happy new year ta all my readers .

here come Sant Claws

2004-12-24T03:41:00.000-05:00

Hallalooja we is ready for Santy Claws. got Agnes comin over ta help me with the horsederves Bert is settin up the bar Ol Practical and ol Jimmie is supplyin the music . i invited a passell o people so i hopes everybody gets here . Hangin Albert is droppin in for a chicoo or two before he get the christmas rush. ol Melt Moore (the local ndper and free love expert) promised ta be here even tho he thinks merry christmas is politckle inceerect. its shapin up ta be a good bash.them boogers at public works finally got off their duffs and plowed the streets yesterday .for a while i thought this was Trawna.i got a mind ta write a letter ta the editor. hererd that wally world had a flood from a burst pipe in the cold dont they know this is the north it gits colder than an eskimos fart here . well i heer folks at the door merry christmas to all

Brrrrrrrrrrr

2004-12-19T16:09:00.000-05:00

the little town is froze up this marnin. i looked at the thermomter and it read -20 on the frog scale. it was so cold that I saw 2 eskimos tryin ta jump start a huskie. Agnes phoned me up to take her ta charch which i did .there was some smart ass guest preacher talkin about the environment and how we all must protect Gods creation by combatting global warmin and us settin there with icicles hangin off various parts . least he didnt go on about that same sex stuff .heered enough about that

. ol Practical says that two of them same sex fellers came by last summer and bought up all his antiquated stuff in the barn. stuff he made hisself .thats how he got the money ta buy the flyin pigs which havent landed yet so i hear. if it warms up this afternoon i is gonna take the Hogg twins fer a ride on the mobeel it only has room fer two but we 'll think a somethin. read where the Dalton gang is gonna ban public smokin in all public places i wonder if that includes the wacky tabacky too .if it does ol Jimmie is gonna have ta git back in his closet or claim its for medical use because of his sore back or front forget which. i quit doin that stuff when i found out ya could go blind o course i quit somethin else too that could cause that and just recently too. jest saw the time best i be off ta get the Hogg girls .

More Shoppin

2004-12-15T13:44:00.000-05:00

man o man i been busier than one armed wallpaper hanger. that christmas shoppin sure fateegs a fellerBUT i got er all done and wrapped even. thanks to Mayor Graff the parkin downtown was free thats if ya could find a spot. we got just enough snow ta make my ol snomobeel whimper and the summer drivers snoboard thru the stop streets .sheesh folks never learn its the same every year oh well keeps the local constabulary busy

. ol Practical has the ticket he puts the chains on all four tyers and sounds like Santy Claws sleigh when drivin around town i was thinkin about them stud tyers myself I asked Agnes if she wanted some studs and she said sure seen as how the one next door dont come around much any more , very funny. i was readin in the Suppositor that our only homeless person found a home in the slammer for the winter nice and warm and three squares a day gotta love that. dunno what he did ta get such nice accommydations but i will investgate.i see the snow a commin down so i better fire up the mobeel and have a little run

Christmas shoppin

2004-12-10T12:50:00.000-05:00

by goll i drove by wally world and they got the big sign up and bunch of vehicles parked in front. i see where the big bran new horspital has got them selves a publicist feller nothin said about more doctors tho . maybe this feller is hired ta tell us why we aint got more docs. speakin of docs went see Doc Stabber last week cuz i was sicker than a wine drinkin billy goat . he says ya dumb bugger ya had the flu dint ya get a shot ? well nosir says i i dont never get sick except after 3 jugs o four aces. ol Doc says ya coulda got the bird flu and he checked me for wings

.guess i better get a look at my christmas shopping list. i done cut er back this year . gonna get Agnes a 20 ounce bottle of parfume the good stuff like that Midnight in Kiev special they got at shoppers. gonna get the Hogg twins some frilly unmentionables and pay extry to have their names mamagrammed on em be good way ta tell em apart . gonna give ol Jimmie big box of nanaimo bars for him and his esqua thats missus to you uninforms. ol Berts gettin a new deck o cards unmarked. ol Practical is still despondint over them pigs so i ordered a book o pithy poems and essays by pig breeders.dont think i forgot anybody oh ya Melt Moore he be the local ndper and sexual intellecual gettin him a book too called 6 easy ways ta make money inna socialist paradice. actually there is only one way but i wont tell him that. well i better get off this putermachine and find my socks and jammies.

Them Pigs

2004-12-01T14:58:00.000-05:00

well darned if we dint all turn up ta see the pigs there was Gar Doc Stabber Melt Moore Agnes and me. so when we got out to Wistful Achers (Practicals Farm) there was poor ol Prat siittin on the stoop covered in manure and peat seems them darn pigs took off on him last he saw of em they was flyin over the silos. that ol Melt took ta rollin on the ground laughin till Agnes stepped on his neck jest like a Carolyn. Gar says boys we gotta find those pigs he says Doc you take ol Blooger and Melt and I'll phone Norad and keep Agnes here in case I need to have some dicktation done. we all piles inta Docs suv and head north. went clean up ta Navy Acres and no luck.when we gets back ta Practicals hes cleaned up shinier than a new penny. poor ol Prat he got taken by the bacon. aw well we phoned Dead Bird ina Box and got an NDP party barrel for Melt thats the one with 6 left wings and a bunch of assholes . me i had a toblerone and slaw. got Doc ta drop me off at Agnes but she wasnt home so I beetled over ta my shack and to bed.

No sno

2004-11-29T18:47:00.000-05:00

hadda cover up the snomobeel-------- snow gone.that snow went away faster than Agneses money at the local lodges bingo. speakin of the lodge the brothers are orgynising a dart tournament next friday at the home for the blind here.last year they threw a pianny concert for the deaf folks at their camp. those boys are full of community spirit and other stuff too. well sir i saw the Hogg twins to find out about my scars well dint they want to have a look and there went my sunday. i'll git to the bottom of it yet and i do mean the bottom. i should cut this here short cuz i promised to bring Agnes a lotty and a cream pie from Dim Tims.dont think she knows about the Hoggs .almost forgot Practicals pigs got here today he picked em up at the airfield .Gar Pike hes the head honcho at the Suppositor is gonna take some pictures tomorry. wont miss that . him with his new digigal camera too.

Snomobeel

2004-11-25T20:40:00.000-05:00

snow snow we got snow . took a spin on the ol snowmobeel around the back 40 danged if i dint hit a rock or two .Agnes got to hollerin at me somethin about an ol fool and his head is soon parted. that reminds me to look for the wineskin i think it might be in the garage which reminds me that I got the hole fixed was gonna turn the hole into another garage door but ol Bert tolt me Id just be encouraging Stoneboat to do more drivin. one wahoo in that buggy is enough.

Gar down at the Suppositor give me a preview of his rag and danged if those councillors aint lookin for a raise in pay. the publik is in a bit of a bind do ya pay em more and cut down on the graft or hold the line and be party to maybe polytical cornuption. Practical had a solution take em all for a boat ride on Moogers Swamp but Prat says i ya filled in the swamp yep says he but not the quicksandy part that Practical is well named .

almost forgot AP tells me that one of them yankee fellas that absconded to here after the election kicked off. AP says he had a problem with the corpse the guy was 6foot 7 and the box was only 6foot so says i what did ya do well says he i thought and thought then finally it hit me hes a yank so i gives him an enema and puts him in a shoebox did i mention that ol AP comes from a long line of hangmen guess hes gone against the family grain reducin instead of stretchin.his grandaddy hung the last feller in Canada right here in this town AP says people would say hangin wasnt much of a deteerent and his grandaddy would say it sure as shit detered the guy i hung .so much for history.

i gotta make myself scarce cuz Agnes wants me to go to a concert at the Schlockly hall that cousin Billy is playin at think i will hideout over at the Hoggs wanna find out what happened after the big game last sunday. mercy me i still got some scars.

Grey Cup drinkup

2004-11-23T20:57:00.000-05:00

me and Jimmie got a lotta shootin but no snipes .them snipes is faster than a doler cashin his pogey check.well sir we opened a fine bottle o plonk crestas rojas I think to drown our bad luck and danged if we didnt see a rare bird sittin on the wire over the blind havent seen the OoHah bird in these parts in 15 years . tolt Jimmy ta put the gun down we wasnt about to bumpoff that bird and cause trouble with the local birder bunch.man you get them old ducks riled up and ya might as well get outa town fast cuz your ass is grass and they got the lawnmower. by that time we was gettin hungry so Jimmie says come on over to Jenny Bitternoses cafe and have a hot bowl o corn chowder. which we did. was a wee late gettin over to see Agnes and when I got there she said i smelled like one of Practicals goats and i wasnt goin to charch with her.thats ok parson Pettifogger willl clue me what his sermon was about next time we play euchre.

well we got the boys over to watch the greycup or has Bert calls it the drinkup at half time we went out in the back forty and tried some field goals got Prat ta stand with his arms up about 20 feet back .he was a good goal post think i got a job for him after he kicks off someday. in the second half the Hogg twins came over with some good whoredervs and half a case o plonk . glad the Argyknots won their coach is a sweet little bugger for sure. dont remember too much after the game woke up early with the Hogg gals in bed and also ol APs dog . AP s dog is called Schlitz.sure hope this dont make the social news column in the Suppositor hoohah.

Santy Claws parade

2004-11-21T01:11:00.000-05:00

hokey smokes theres gonna a be a big controversity in our little town. seems some opimistic feller has decided that the Santy Claws parade aint gonna start till 430pm next saturday.never heard of somethin so dang stoopid it gets dark here now by 5pm them poor kiddies on them floats is gonna freeze cold . the optimistic fella says it wont be a problem sure it wont for him ridin around in a cosy warm car.If that ol Santy Claws goes along withit I will be boycottin his ass for sure.

speakin of christmas i best be makin out my list wasnt gonna when Agnes was on the outs with me but now I gotta .almost forgot should put the Hogg twins on that list and ol Practical. i knows what he wants a new coat n coater so i'll get him one at Crappy Tire.have ya ever tryed to get a clark in that store to help ya out ?just like pullin a hemerroid out of an elephants ass. well i suppose its not easy bein a clark i remember way back when i was one in Bill Weevils fabric and fireplace store and the parsons wife came in and asked me if she could get felt and I said just as soon as I lock the store door. she tolt Billy and he tolt me and there went a promising career in retail down the biffy.

poor ol Prat is still waitin on them flyin pigs somethin to do with Mr. Bush and mad cow he says.well says i hes comin to Ottywa in a week or so why doncha mosey over to that disneyland north and ask him about them pigs.say i just had a look at the time and i better gets to bed gota early marnin tomorrow me an Jimmy Stoneboat goin snipe shootin on the island then i mights go to charch with Agnes.

transcanada fats

2004-11-17T16:55:00.000-05:00

couldnt find this here computter seems ol Bert took it home other night after the crap game thought i lost it but he just wanted to show his misses what the fuss is all about maybe i should get me a slaptop so it easier to tote about.that ol Practical was just on the phone he sure got his feathers in a knot he tells me Melt Moore (hes the local socialist and free love expert) tolt him that Jack Layton wants to have transcanada fats banned so whats the matter with that says i well says Prat that means Laytons gonna ban my peanut butter nah says i that Jacks off course but all the same ya better write that dumbsonuva bitch mp of ours a nasty letter ya know the guy wot doesnt do a thing for us and gets paid for doin it the same guy that only got up on his feet once in parlyment to open a window. them politico always chewin the fat and fillin us with bull dust.

went to the bank this marnin the teller gal asked me if i wanted to put mymoney in their investment plan no thanks says i got a investment plan LOTTO6/49.well then she asked me about an ATM card no thanks dont like that AlwaysTakesMymoney machine sides would rather give it to a purty gal like you not some ugly ol machine.speakin of tellers heard from Agnes she tolt me shes missin me somethin fierce and if i wouldin tease cousin Billy about his piccolo sheed like me to stop by for a spell. hmmmm think i might just do that cuz ol Aggie knows a thing or two about a thing or two. well i best go get my coppy of the Weekly Suppositor

toy ota trouble

2004-11-12T19:16:00.000-05:00

theres my buggy stuck in the backyard with a big hole in the garage.waitin for Practical to bring his atv that should pull the sucker out gotta hand it to them jap fellas they sure know how to make a good little car hardly a dent onit.saw ol Doc Stabber this marnin cuz my tung has turned black. he fixed it with a bar of soap clean forgot about them choclate meatballs .good ol Doc dint charge me for the visit seen as how he owed me some mishoonya ( thats money to Jimmy Stoneboat) from our last pinochle game

.looked out the window still no Practical almost forgot Agnes called to remind me that she still aint talkin to me hope she gets over her fit soon .got my dander up yesterday readin the Suppositor seems that mayor of ours says we need a new sewage plant and its gonna cost well i aint payin cus I got a biffy and a big jug of lime.

.just heard somethin outside will be back well we got the jap wonder out and settin in the driveway. that atv did good thanks Addie thanks Tess thanks Vern fine horses. you got there Prat.big mess overby wally world today trucks graders flag ladies good job for a woman that seen as how they use to tellin fellas where to go and what to do.lands sake look at the time best get this place straightened up ol Bert Doc Jimmie and AP are comin over for some poker shortly AP called for me to hold his place he hadda stiff to bury then he'd be over .always on the job that Albert.

Hogg twins

2004-11-11T02:55:00.000-05:00

wooooeeeee mighty good party at the Hoggs. them twins can sure cook we had pig cheeks in ketchup ,fried leeks on garlic bread, tube steaks with hotdayam sauce washed down with beer an pretsells.for desert it was chocolate coated meatballs in whipped cream yum yum.them Hoggs sure have a nice place its atop Habies Hill lookin down on Deadmans Pond well after all them eats and beers we played some strip euchre I think them gals fixed the deck cuz they never even took there socks off and me down to my stanfields twice poor old Bert got nakked 3 times now we know why hes a Ticle. ol Jimmy Stoneboat showed up just as we was leavin hey Jimmy you drunk ? does I lookit ? nope so i tossed him behind the wheel and said home James. he got us safely home and parked the car right thru the garage .got him a taxi . gettin late so i will watch the liars club cbc to you folks and hit the sack.

them Hoggs

2004-11-10T20:35:00.000-05:00

jayzus i got all that DBD chicken ate finally.Agnes is not talkin to me she phoned me and tolt me she tolt me cousin Billy bust his piccolo i know what he can do with it busted or not i tolt her so .

she told me folks are wonderin about our old horspital now that the new one is finished.this marnin me and Bert Ticle made some enquiries but we was too late seems some folks are gonna turn it into condomimiums for homeless people . Sheeeesh we only got two o them in the whole town and thats cuz the local slammer is closed now. wot gives? almost forgot went over to Practicals to see his sattylight dish ,ok where is it says i its on the manure pile says he why that says i it wont do stirfry worth a shit says he. see why his momma named him Practical ? seems too that his porkers aint arrived yet somethin about canadian custumes hold up hold up says i dint know those guys was crooks. better get havin the 3 ssses got invited to the Hogg twins for a party those gals are batchelors and sure know how to tamaracker down.

Practical Agnes

2004-11-07T14:50:00.000-05:00

that ol Practical is at it again now hes gonna fill in Moogers swampcuz he heard a bunch of yankees are comin to Canady and will need places to stay hes gonna build a bunch of condoms. I says hey Prat what about all those enviromantic folks well says he none o them been around since three went missin in the swamp years back the silly ol fool forgot to tell em about the quicksand. danged if he aint got himself a sattylight dish him with no tv.

for I forget went to charch with Agnes .least i could do seen has how i met the goodFather at her door as i was leavin. that Agnes sure is a busy body oh ya Billy Sidebottam played the piccolo in charch Sunday. Miss Bach the organist had come down with the shootin sherry flu. well .every tune the rev asked him to play he begged off sayin that it was a hard tune to play on the piccolo. finally someone in the back pew says that piccolo player is a dumb sonava bitch .the rev stopped everythin and roared who said that ? silence deader than hobos dick.by this time i had had the corse i stood up and said rev i dint say that but i got a question what makes that dumb sonova bitch think hes a piccolo player ? wouldnt ya know it Agnes was pissed i dint know Billy was her cousin now all that chicken i ordered in for us i gotta eat miself

Silos

2004-11-05T19:50:00.000-05:00

jayzuz that ol Practical is somethin else now he tells me he tosed his radio in the trash seems al he was gettin on it was" bullshit and political speeches" served him right for puttin the antenny in the barn. he even got rid of his tv awhile back toll me he heard the rays from it would dry up the lead in his pencil hell at 81 whos he gonna write to. gotta go visit Agnes she tolt me that she has a thang for me . hmmmmm.....trouble is shes so big I might not find it.

Silos

2004-11-05T14:50:00.000-05:00

Well i phoned Agnes now she tells me them silos are on Practical Jonnssons property ( hiss friends call him Prat for short). seems ol Melt Moore the local ndper toll him Bush would get reelected when pigs learned to fly. Practical went right out and ordered some of those pigs from a yankee fella in clark county ohio imagin that . now he needs them new silos to feed the porkers.

was a wee frosty this marnin and lookin like snow best i fire up the snowmobeel. that reminds me the cops stopped a trucker last weekhe had a load of chamber pots and was headin for our town says he heard we had lots of snowmobeels but not a pot to piss in thats free enterprise for ya.

was out this marnin talkin to Garth Pike who owns the local rag for you who dont know its called the Weekly Suppositor its readers get to use it twice in the biffy any how hes workin on the wally angle thought i'd drop by Albert Pierpoints shop hes the local put ya underrguy didnt see my name on the menu so i just tiptoed by.

wot gives?

2004-11-04T14:50:00.000-05:00

Was downtown this morning and hokey smokes no parking spots wot gives says I summer is over and the terrourists is gone. mystery. economic boomlet/ new four lane highway ? more mystery. wally world is buildingat the south entrance also rumours of home despot ,caseys,kelseys,east side mary, price chopper.to top it offmy neighbour Agnes Dei says she heard some silos were being builtjust by Moogers swamp somrthin about incontestible ballipstick missles better phone my mp about this only trouble is he aint listed under dumb sonova bitch. gettin back to wally world dont know what gives there this little town is under 8k population depending on which sign you look at . wheres the consumer base ? course we got a bran new 60million dollar horspital with state o the bill( ol art gets enough credit) cathouse scanner. also heard that the cops are gettin new wheels Vibe- raters I think. Best I go get some chicken from Dead Bird in a Box and do some thinkin.